What to say…

“Goodbye my lover, goodbye me friend. You have been the one; you have been the one for me…”

So my heart took a battering wednesday when out of the blue the boyfriend told me that he loves me but isn’t sure if he is still in love with me.

It shook my world, I don’t think I have cried that hard since my Gingerbread died two summers ago R.I.P ~*. No one saw it coming, not even his mother who always seems to know what he is thinking before he does anything. All of his friends are in shock and many rather angry with him. I’ve been told by most people in his life that they have no idea what he is thinking as I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him. I don’t think he even knows what he is thinking…but I also can not blame him. He can not help how he feels and at least he didn’t string me along?

I don’t know. Part of me feels like I should have seen it coming. There should have been some sign. I think the biggest thing is that he wasn’t working and I wasn’t working enough. We are both workaholics and not being able to work either because of him getting laid off or my company not giving me the hours I need, we both slipped into the “winter blues”. And between my self esteem and his gruff nature we fell into a cycle that worried him to the point of questioning our future. It’s something we could easily work out but he’s stubborn, and I think he just needs time to think it all out and figure out what he wants in his life and if I can fully fit into that plan.

We moved to fast: that is clear but it felt right and we both agree to that. Neither of us have even fallen for another person as fast as we fell for each other. Who knows maybe one day we will be able to rekindle the flame that I still feel in my heart. Perhaps it’s just the right thing at the wrong time.

I finished moving yesterday after a weekend of him changing his mind over and over again. So I am at my parents…great fun . I am going to take this opportunity to get on my feet, get my lisence and go back to school. With a two year plan I should hopefully be able to get it all done and achieve the freedom I need to make my life fully in my control.

Anyway, there you have it.

UFC2009 + uber boredom + workitis

So I work in two hours and am bored as hell. I’ve been waiting for like two weeks for by KatKat to come online so that we can continue our posts but she has been so busy with work and school that I have no idea when that is going to be. Currently I am laying in bed with Evan as he figures out how to play UFC2009. He made a giant of a character but keeps getting his ass kicked. lol. I blame this completely on my brother in law who got him hooked on the damn thing. Though I guess it is providing me with some amusement.

Now he is cheering as he won a match. I love him.

I don’t want to work, but I have to, I just hate my job like it is nobody’s business. So much emotional run-arounds that I just want to tell them all where they can shove their burgers. Oh yeah. That’s right. Jerkfaces. Doesn’t help that it is cold and customers are so inconsiderate. Like woah inconsiderate. I feel like dropping icicles on them. That would teach them. Oh yes, yes it would.

I have no idea what I am talking about anymore. Make sense? Of course it does. Boredom has consumed my fingers and Evan keeps trying to look at what I am typing as if it is some deep dark secret about him. Maybe I should write some. Just for fun.

Yesterday I got stranded after work and got to have a nice little visit with Miss Shutter Girl and her little D. Goodness he is chubby. I love it.

Also our furnace blew up. Wonderful. No heat for us which is always great in the middle of winter.

I wish I had more things to say. I’ve literally burned likee 5 minutes and countless brain cells just trying to think of something to write. Awesome.

Soooo it’s January.

I really wasn’t kidding when I said that I don’t normally write when I’m happy. I haven’t written since…Evan found out he was allergic to my cats. Since then Jack has found a home with my sister and is very happy; and Shmumpkin with a co-working and is even more happy especially since he renamed her Coek. Apparently that is dutch for cake. Whatever. She likes it. Those were two of the hardest things I have ever had to do but they were good decisions, they are happy and away from dogs and that is what truly matters even if it broke my heart to do so.

Evan and I are still together and very happily so. He is laid off for the winter and enjoying his skidoo time and I am still working enjoying my off time. We’ve had a few arguments, mostly over pets, but nothing that lasted more than a few hours. We’ve still yet to go to bed mad and I hope it remains that way.

Ummm other than that I can’t really think of much to say! LOL but I now have a netbook and once I have internet…well hopefully I will remember to update this more.

<3

Hands

Hands by Jewel <3

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

Hellllllllo way tooooo early!

So it’s is 5:42am and I am at work. No, I am not working, I don’t start until 8am BUT it was either get a drive in with Evan this morning or walk…at 5am…down a dark sketchy trail with Cyotes and rapists. SO I opted for the early arrival. Technically I got to sleep in for 30 minutes lol but I am sooooo tired! And I still have to unpack at some point this weekend. Yay. No idea where anything is going to go haha but I’ll worry about that later. For now I am going to nap in the crew room and hopefully wake up in time. Yup. We’ll see. Ha!

Tootles.

Allergies

I feel as if my posts have been a rollar coaster of oreo cookies lately! One minute I’m YAY and the next I’m BOO! Mostly due to a common subject: my cats.

Evan has been sick the past couple of days and this morning it was so bad that he swore he had strep. Not something I wanted so I told him he had to go to the clinic and then made my way to work without a kiss. As yeah, I’m not catching that shit lol. After work he picks me up and I don’t even have to ask how the clinic went (though I am pleased he actually went seeing as he hates doctors), he let’s me get into that beast and then tells me I’m not going to like what he has to say. First of all NEVER start a conversation with ME like THAT! My brain spun in a million directions at the bait just for him to tell me that he’s allergic to my cats.

Of course I am relieved that it’s not something more serious, and that I can kiss him again but…my babies. I rescued them at 3 weeks old…abused and starving…I cleaned them up and loved the hell out of them for over two years and now…now I’m going to have to give them up.

I don’t know if I can do it! But I love him, and it’s not his fault. But I love them. I’m supposed to love them for their entire lives! Keep them safe and cared for. I can’t just abandon them! I’ll never forgive myself! But what choice do I have? Evan is the real thing and every moment with him makes me fall into those girly beliefs of “the one”. Yes, you read right so please gag me now.

This is lame! And I hate it!

Jackiefacepieheadnoodlestroodle!

He’s been found! Evan found my ickle baby boy this morning when he went for a piss LOL apparently he saw paws under the door we had originally left him in, so when he opened the door there he was! I didn’t even believe it at first. I felt a little weight as he threw a cat at me but I thought it was just Shmumpkin. But when I opened my eyes there was my Jack! I thought I was still sleeping! 40 hours of being MIA and apparently he had gotten himself under a set of drawers he should have never been able to lift.

I have my Jackieface back!!!

And I have my amazing boyfriend to thank. Never once did he try bringing me down and telling me it was pointless to keep looking. Even when I felt defeated he still assured me that he would find him and he did. There are no words for how much I appreicate him for this. This move was a great idea. I love him so very much

Moving Day

Wow today had been a dramatic one. So it’s moving day which in itself is really freaking exciting, but it’s turned into one hell of a rollarcoaster ride.

Yesterday was my last day of work which was pretty crazy. People I thought hated me were asking me why I had to go and that they were going to miss me. I assume this is because I do all of their work. Haha! Anyway they decorated me a cake and signed a going away card and such. One of the full time ladies crocheted me a blanket! It looks soooo comfy! Anyway after that I walked to walmart to pick up last minute items, walked home to stuff some spaghetti in my mouth before heading out to the Hedley concert. Which, might I add, was stolen by LIGHTS, she is even more amazing live!

Then today I woke up late and tried to finish packing as fast as I could before Evan arrived at 9am. Of course I wasn’t ready; it’s a female thing haha! Then we took my essentials and my kitty cats and were off to my new home (were picking up the rest of my things when we have his truck back next weekend).

So we get there and my cats get to meet Diesel. Eventful. Jack was so scared he ran under the couch and pissed himself while Shmumpkin just stared at him as if daring him to inch closer. Needless to say I had to give a shaking Jack a bath, and then after I dried him up a bit I put him in one of the spare rooms with Shmumpkin. I cleaned out the cat hair from the tub and went up to check on him and he was gone. We tore the house apart looking in every nook and craney and we still can’t find him. There are no words for how worried I am and Evan knows it. He went out looking for him although nothing was open for him to get out all to try and ease my mind. Just another reason why I love him.

I just want to find my baby boy. He’s never been on his own before and he’s probably so scared! I know that even being in a different room from Shmumpkin and he goes insane trying to locate her. I just want him home; to wring his neck and then smother him in lovings. I miss him.

L is for the way you look at me….

He said it.
I said it.
He meant it.
I meant it.
I’m at a loss for anything else to say.
I’m in love with the most incredible guy! <3

Dreams

Okay so I’ve been having some weird ass dreams lately and all of them seem to either mention the boytoy or actually have him in it. Now I’ve always had weird dreams and it would be pointless to try and figure out what they mean especially seeing as I have like two or three a night that I can remember vividly. But just for the sake of it I will post the boy related ones here:

Rambo:
In this dream I don’t remember much besides the fact that he’s got a trillion guns and his going completely rambo on a group of thugs. He thoroughly enjoyed hearing about this one. I don’t even think I was in it now that I think about it.

Caught:
This dream was awkward as hell…in it we were messing around and then his mother of all people walks in and just starts having a conversation with him and he doesn’t miss a beat! LOL and I was trying everything in my power to stay as quiet as possible to not intrude in their conversation. Then when we were done; they weren’t and when I looked over at him he was randomly fully dressed while I was completely in the buff and frozen under the sheets. Oh yeah. Great times lol!

Introduction:
In this dream me and him are sitting having lunch when his mother comes in with a friend of hers that won’t shut the hell up. His mother tries desperately through the entire dream to get the woman to introduce herself but she is so wrapped up in what she is saying that she just keeps on rambling. I don’t remember any of what was said lol.

Mall:
So I’m at a mall in Dallas lol when I run into these gangsters and one has a bag of chocolates. He asks me if under the wrapping was white and I said yes. Turns out I’m wrong and they start chasing me through the mall and then outside and ect. I try and hide in the most ridiculous places until my man comes and finds me. I told him we have a problem and then I woke up. And apparently I actually told him that we had a problem as he was so confused and laughing at me when I awoke.

School:
This one he wasn’t actually in but in it I was going back to Laurier only this time with two of my siblings. I showed them around; though it didn’t look very much like the university I remember but the food was just as delicious! Bourbon chicken….mmmmm….ANYWHOODLES! After the tour we were all sitting on the same lawn chair watching the buses and all I could think of was how much I missed him and wanted to drop out to be with him again.

See they are all weird and that was just a sample! Hahaha! Soooooo any idea what any of these could mean? Lol I’m open for any interpretations